In light of the ice storm to hit our province recently....

I feel like such a traitor, posting this blog about a crazy, frustrating day last week. However, I guess it is all relative. Plus I need to vent!!  Maybe some of you need a laugh?  I am just wondering if other sixty-something people have days where it feels like you are on a perpetual merry-go-round?  I thought life was supposed to slow down as we age...

My day started with waking up at 3:45 am, because of that CPAP machine hooked up to me.  It is supposed to help my sleep apnea, but I just wake up even MORE often. I wasn't able to get much sleep after that time. I am SO NOT adapting to this machine, that I clench my fists when I sleep. Result?  I had to buy a wrist-hand support. Couple that with my mouth appliance to keep me from grinding my teeth (apparently ALL teachers do!), and I have so much tubing, straps, Velcro and plastic on me when I go to bed, that even Vimy is afraid of me!  Not to mention, but I will, that I look like a total ALIEN!! My friend Tracy just calls me ''Cyborg.''

I arrive at school, where the principal sweetly responds to a word I used in French, for ''filler'', by saying it is vulgar. W-E-L-L, you don't tell a language teacher that.  I have used the word ''bouche-trou'' many times.  I immediately checked three dictionaries. Only one said it could have a pejorative connotation.  It means '' to fill a void left by a person'', which is what I am doing when I supply teach, right?  Days are always crazy and busy, when you teach, but I won't even go into the rest of my school day. 

After school, I had to run errands. I do want to get one thing straight. I HATE shopping! Yes, a woman who hates shopping. Rare?  Maybe! Anyway, when I shop I have a purpose.  I want to buy what I need and get out of there. Well, after work, I wasted precious time trying to find a suitable box for a gift, get a glove repaired, find a few sundry items nowhere to be found, and returning my fourth Cyborg mask. By now it is almost 5:00 pm.

I always make a point of taking Vimy out as soon as I get home, for at least a three kilometre walk. Well, in my haste, I forgot his bootees, and we had just rounded the corner, when he reared up on his hind legs, just like a prancing horse. Poor thing! There was so much salt and ice, it was cutting into his paws.  Back to the house we went, to better outfit him!!  Haste makes waste!

When we return, I am trying to get ready to go out for a supper to celebrate my ''Vecina's'' (neighbour Edith) birthday.  In my haste and hunger, I just want to grab a little snack, so I pop open my canned jar of ''bar clams''.  Of course, I somehow manage to spray myself with the juice from those clams. So now I  S=T=I=N=K of fish, and have no time to change, because Vimy starts barking furiously, and in walks my thermo pump guy. I had called him earlier, about problems I was having removing the filter.  So here I am up on a stool, trying to show him my problem, when my phone rings. I want to ignore it, but I know it is a ''work'' call, so I clamber down.  For the umpteenth time I tell the dispatcher I don't accept half-day assignments. The other district ALWAYS ends up offering me a full day, and I need to work. Am I frustrated at this point? OMG!  Give me a good Thuya gin and tonic!!

The day DID end on a lovely, celebratory note, so ...''Tout est bien qui fini bien''.  I just think it would be nice to have a totally, totally boring, uneventful, calm day.  Is that possible?  

Cyborg 3

IT HAS BEEN AWHILE....

since I have shared the funny interactions I have had with children while teaching them. You must admit that, right? 

So here are a few jewels from the past month.  

KINDERGARTEN - 

Colin - When I pulled him out of class for being aggressive with another child, looked at me with big brown eyes and said,  ''How do I deal with my anger issue?''

When I exclaimed in class ''Oh là là!'', the same little fellow said, ''What does THAT mean?''

GRADE ONE - 

Near Christmas,  a Grades One class was really struggling to master this difficult ''seasonal'' tune for the Christmas concert. Their teacher was trying to stress how important it was that they practice every day and learn the lyrics.  They had been practicing for a fair bit of time. One little fellow was getting pretty tired of this, and suggested, ''How about we just DO the concert?''

GRADE TWO -

I was reading a story to students, where the pirate character says, '' Shut-up you dogs!''  The kids ALL gasped in horror!  Harmony summed it up for all of them when she stated emphatically, ''HE'S not following the code of conduct!''

While reading the same story, I came to a chapter entitled ''Vile Booty.''   We are talking PIRATES here, remember? Wondering whether they knew the meaning of the word, at this level, I asked. One little girl responded without any hesitation. ''Yeah!''  She then promptly lifted her backside off the floor and slapped it!!  I SWEAR THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED! 

Do you know what this word is?  INCKIMIT?  It was written by a Grade two student.  Hint? You will find it in a gym.  Give up? EQUIPMENT!

GRADE THREE -

I was gesturing toward my head, trying to explain to a child that I had to go home at lunchtime, when he finished my sentence by asking, ''To get your hair done?'' I had been about to say that I had to go get my Christmas hat. MY HAIR? I had JUST had it done the day BEFORE!

GRADE FOUR FRENCH IMMERSION -

Chelsea, explaining the following to me, said this in French, ''Ça c'est comme le dix temps.  It took me a second to realize she meant, ''This is like the tenth time!''  Cute, eh?

OVERHEARD

A young special needs high school student, upon hearing Donald Trump had been elected, sweetly stated, ''Oh dear, I hope he isn't going to be rude!''

GRADE ONE -

Charles, who had to stay behind to catch the later bus, after his classmates had all left, told me he was allowed to play games on the classroom IPad, so I told him to go ahead.  He then came back to me, IPad in hand, and informed me that the IPad needed to be charged.  I asked him if he knew where the charger was. He replied that he didn't know. I laughingly replied, ''I am sorry, but I don't know where it is is either.''  This little half-pint, who isn't three feet tall, dropped his hands by his side, looked up at me, and very seriously stated, waving the useless IPad,  ''You find this FUNNY?'' I certainly DID NOT!  I NOW found it totally HILARIOUS.  However, I kept a straight face, and went to borrow a charging cord. What else could I do?

The same little fellow, when I returned to the classroom, where he had been alone, was evidently startled, and blurted out, ''You scared the bird in my belly!''

AH..... MONDAYS!!!

Monday was to be ''Vimy'' day!  I had to take him to the vet for his yearly shots, get him washed and go get his tags. 

I knew my vet has a yearly clinic half an hour away from me, the first Monday after the holidays, on a first come, first served basis.   I just couldn't remember the time. My sweet Mamacita called Friday, to tell me that the vet had left a message about the clinic. I have given them my cell number many times, but they STILL call my mother! She thinks it is at 9:00 am. I tried to call the vet's office repeatedly, all to no avail, because the line was busy all afternoon. When I finally did get through, they put me on hold. While holding, I got a robot generated call for a substitute assignment, so I took it, and in the process, LOST my hold.  By now it was too late to call back. They are closed for the weekend. So I plan on being at the clinic at 9:15 Monday morning. Plenty early!

I arrive there at that time, and NO ONE is waiting. So I know right off the bat the clinic starts at 10.00 am. I kill time with Vimy, as we sit freezing in the car. Slowly, more people show up, and some start lining up at the arena doors at 10:00. I hustle out there too, because I was there first, so I figure my Vimy will be seen first. Other people think otherwise, but I worm my way up to the front of the line. I have NO SHAME, when I am self-righteous! It is -29 degrees with the windchill factor. FRIGID!!! The vet is late. (She is late every year, but I love her anyway!). Vimy, nervous and excited by all the other animals waiting with their owners, decides to make a H-U-G-E deposit right there at the front doors of the arena.  I am NOT one bit mortified; I just think, "Franchement,Vimy, tu n'aurais pas pu attendre?"  (I think in French f*i*r*s*t in these moments of crisis. :)  I scoop the poop, and drop the bag in the snow, intending to pick it up on my way out. The vet arrives two minutes after ALL this excitement. 

As we are the first ones going up the stairs to the waiting room, Vimy STOPS AGAIN on the landing, and has another BM! OMG! I yell ''Watch your step!'' by way of warning, to the stampede behind me rushing to get themselves and their animals inside where it is warm! I leave Vimy on his own and run into the waiting room, to make sure Vimy's papers are on TOP of the pile of patients waiting to be seen. Papers are my priority here, NOT poop!  Another lady, with SIX cats, tries to put her dossiers on top of the pile, but I tell the vet assistants I was there first. This little old lady is TOTALLY fierce when she needs to be! 

Then I dash back to the hallway to pick up Vimy's second deposit. Who is there but the VET!  I scramble to pick up this second mess, and am about to use tissue to pick up the residue, when she tells me not to.  Off she goes to get disinfectant wipes that can be flushed down the toilet.  I run down the stairs, open the door and toss Vimy's second deposit out into the snowbank, beside his first one, leaving the vet, God bless her, (and per HER instructions), to get rid of the final evidence. 

However, by the time I run BACK upstairs to the waiting room, VIMY has made ANOTHER DEPOSIT there.  HIS THIRD! Albeit a small one. Small consolation!   By now, I am thinking... "How much worse can this get?'' Along comes the vet AGAIN, with her disinfectant wipes; she scoops up everything.  Vimy so traumatized by now, has gone into hiding under a chair, shivering, poor soul. I feel like joining him!!!!

The vet sees Vimy FIRST.  I am sure by now, she just wants to get rid of us!  Vimy has a needle stuck up his nose, and one in his backside in two minutes flat, and we are out of there.  I am sure I am NOT the only one breathing a sign of relief as we depart. :)  

I give him a good scrubbing at the dogie wash, and go clear across town to the SPCA, for his tags. It is closed.  I take it in stride. So I have to come back. So what?  All told, a semi-productive day has been devoted to the care of my constant companion. He deserves it too!

Come to think of it, I can count on the fingers of one hand, the times Vimy has made deposits indoors. Up until today of course. Now I can add three in five minutes, to that number!  


My last blog of the year dealt with dogie do, and my first of the new year deals with the same issue. Do you think that means that my year is going to be s*h****?

Doggie dos, doodoos and do nots.

WARNING!  Do NOT read this unless you are a TOTAL, and I mean, TOTAL dog lover!

While visiting my daughter beloved (DB) and favourite son-in-law (FSIL) over the holidays,  I took one of their dogs, Piper, along with me and Vimy, for a much needed walk in the lovely neighbourhood.

We had gone out for a family brunch that morning. When we arrived home, there was a big serving spoon on the floor, licked CLEAN, and a 9 x 13 baking dish on the counter, the foil cover half off. The dish was empty.  OF COURSE! What had been in that dish? Well, it had been half full of
"Petes de Sœurs" an Acadian dessert also known as Nun's Farts, or Rosettes. I had made them yesterday.  The culprit? Piper!!  The syrupy concoction, hereby called EVIDENCE, was all over her collar and her fur. Vimy and Freddy were clean as a whistle. Furthermore, poor Piper looked guilty as hell and slunk off to her bed when questioned by my FSIL.

The walk was still on though. We were no sooner out the door than Piper leaves a huge deposit on the lawn, because of course, she had just eaten tons of sugar. It was on their lawn, so I left it. I am NOT going to be the Poop Fairy here, in their own yard.  I do decide, however,  to take a snap and text it to my daughter. Piper had just been in the dogie hospital overnight recently, for bowel obstruction. She had POSSIBLY eaten SOMETHING then, that she shouldn't have, and history was repeating itself quickly. Daughter beloved had told me they were monitoring her BMs, so... I thought she would want to see. DB later tells me that I am weird, for sending her that pic! W-h-a-t???  I am just being mindful of my grand dogs!

We have a brisk 30 minute walk through the park.  As we are cresting the hill that brings us home, I see that their car is gone. They had told me they were going to the gym. First thought that came to mind?  "Bet you ANYTHING they locked the door." Piper chooses that moment to drop another bomb, except we are two doors away. It is a deposit right in the grass at the end of a neighbour's driveway. I CAN'T leave it there. (Damn that POOP FAIRY, she is always talking to me.) So I pick it up with a bag, but of course, because of the deposits' consistency, and my sloppiness, some brown liquid leaks out onto my thumb! (I warned you remember?) MAUDIT! Why didn't I leave my gloves on?????  I don't have ANY tissues on me. There is NO snow on which I can wipe my thumb. There is NOTHING!!!

I walk up to the front door, gingerly trying to keep my thumb separate from the rest of my hand while I try to turn the front door handle. Locked of course. I knew it!  I go back down the steps and am debating whether I should try the back door when I receive a text. Do you know that it is i-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-y DIFFICULT to hold onto TWO dogs, keep your right thumb free of everything, AND fish your cell phone out of your pocket?  Ever try it?  I DID it though.  Text from FSIL (favourite son-in-law) states, "The front door will be unlocked".  My succinct return text? "It isn't." His reply "It will be in 5 seconds." I look up only to see them DRIVING up. Whew! Rescued once again!!!

New Year's Resolution? Stop being a Poop Fairy?  NO!  Just kidding. However, I do have to go shopping for disposable latex gloves.  DEFINITELY!! First purchase of the New Year.  Which brings me to my second New Year's Resolution.  STOP BUYING STUFF!